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Lap it up.  Also, fuck tumblr .gif file size and dimension limits.  I am not a slave, tumblr.  I am a man…a man with free will.  I refuse your shackles.  Fuck off me.

Edit (2014): Fuck this tumblr. I’m never coming back!

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Tasteful. Rare. Lovely.

Tasteful. Rare. Lovely.

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We miss you Bernie!
thetallgrass:

my early .gift to you

We miss you Bernie!

thetallgrass:

my early .gift to you

Source: iseetheplacelives
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I was cleaning my closet today and I found this story that I’m pretty sure I wrote with my good friends Addie and Kaeli at our mutual pal Jason’s (whatever age he turned senior year)th Birthday party.  The title on it was “Erotic Thriller” but I want to rename it, “Happy Birthday, Jason.”  Here it goes:

Happy Birthday, Jason


Ugoeze took off his shirt.  Addie took in the site and smell of the moment.  Ugoeze tasted sex coming.  Addie took Ugoeze’s humongous, big toe into her warm, wet mouth.  Ugoeze shot his load.  Addie giggled.  Rene couldn’t take anymore.  He took his pants off and slapped his dong against Ugoeze’s horribly ugly chest.  Addie then slapped Rene’s ass with such gusto that Rene fell over and got a concussion.  Rene passed out.  Addie sucked him off while he was sleeping.  Ugoeze had his way with Rene’s ass, then fell asleep.

Kaeli entered the room and bitch-slapped Addie’s left titty.  Addie threw a can of Pepsi Twist at Kaeli, but Kaeli caught it and squashed it with her boobies.  A handsome man entered the room.  “Quit playing around, bitches!!!” Isaiah screamed.  Addie threw a can of Mountain Dew at him, but he caught it and squashed it with his sexy man-boobs.  The 2 girls sucked Isaiah off, then spit his jizz in Rene’s mouth.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a man appeared.  He was wearing nothing but a kid-sized McDonald’s fry costume.  Then, like a flash, he went to work on Kaeli’s vagina, stopping once in a while to spank the shit out of said vagina.  Kaeli came, then passed out.

Jason then looked at Addie and said, “Bring those fine titties.”  Addie started to walk over slow and seductively before Jason told her to, “”Cut that shit out.”  She ran over quickly, boobs flapping in the air.  Jason whipped out “Mr. Bojangles” and slapped it against her cooch.  “Shazaam!” Jason shouted before going to work on Addie’s love tunnel.  Addie was finished in mere seconds, but Jason was a machine and exploded within her wet walls.  The explosion of his orgasm shot Addie on to the pile of passed out people.

Jason stood there and laughed heartily.

I think the story would be a lot tighter if I wrote it today.  I’d combine the Ugoeze and Rene characters because they’re both essentially comic relief.  I’d give the Isaiah character a more concrete ending, or at least write him off in a manner that hints at what he’ll do in the inevitable sequel.  And I’d make the Kaeli and Addie characters sluttier, because it’s what the people want.  Other than that, not bad for a first try.

P.S.  The light of actual gifs on a tumblr called “myGIFtoyou” is darkest just before the dawn.  And I promise you, the dawn is coming.

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1. I can drive at night with my windows down.

2. I can’t sleep comfortably, so I’m always up early for class.

3. My best ideas come to me when I’m sleep deprived and too hot to think right.  (For example: The picture on my new school ID that I took today.)

4. Scantily clad college girls.

5. People don’t hate if you’re sweaty.

6. I can wear my cool, new sunglasses.

7. I’m able to appreciate air conditioned buildings because they’re like an oasis in the desert.

8. I can air dry in front of my fan after a cold shower.

9. I like wearing shorts, so this weather is ideal.

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